the ELLA echo

doing something about it

before the recent suicides of the many GLTBQ youth, there was phoebe.  and before her were eric and dylan.  and before them were....

all were bullied.  a few turned into bullies too.

today this is called a crisis, but we all know that bullying has been going on since cain and abel.

many people are reaching out--encouraging young people to stay strong, to remain hopeful, letting them know that life isn't always going to be so hard and bleak.

schools and community centers and houses of worship are instituting policies and programs to deal with bullying, both from the perspective of the bully and of the target.

all in the hopes of keeping our children from taking their own lives.

but in my opinion, these actions are not enough.  in fact, i believe most of this comes too late.

i believe we have to go back further--back to the beginning.  we have to start with the babies.

because when the worst, most horrible thing happens--when your child gets caught doing something illegal, immoral, illicit, indecent, outrageous, or just plain stupid--he has to know with unqualified confidence that if he comes to you for help, he can count of you to be there for him, without judgement and without hesitation.  that confidence only comes from a lifetime of experiencing your loyalty, compassion, and respect.

i know you love your child without limits.  I KNOW YOU DO.  but does your child? LOVE is not just a feeling, it is an action.  you have to SHOW it to your child, in words and in deeds, and you have to hold your judgement even when you're right.  

you may believe you're showing your love when you reprimand your child.  but what your child hears is accusation and judgement.

JUDGEMENT says, "i've told you a hundred times not to jump on the bed.". LOVE says, "i'm sorry you fell off, i know that hurts.  thank goodness you're ok.".  JUDGEMENT says, "why were you drinking milk in the living room???".   LOVE says, "everybody spills sometimes.  let me help you clean it up."     JUDGEMENT says, "how could you do that???".  LOVE says, "it's ok, we'll figure this out together."

because later--when it REALLY matters--you want your child to come to you when he needs you most, and he will only do that if he is certain that what he will hear is, "thank goodness you're ok.  let me help you.  we'll figure this out together."

i promise, i'm not judging you.  :)  i have been there, in that frustrated, tired, complicated place where there is no filter, mental or verbal--where anger at the situation and relief that everything is alright are intermixed--where venting happens indirectly, aimed really at the someone else who i perceive has wronged me and yet hurled toward my child because she is there.  

when that happens, i consider it my moral obligation to swallow my enormous pride and show her what to do, because one day she'll be there too:  i have to SHOW her, by my actions and my words, that being wrong is not the end of it all--that sincere remorse and regret are appropriate, that apologies and restitution are not signs of weakness but rather the characteristics of a mature and responsible member of society.  and that life goes on and everything gets better.

the beautiful thing about this system is that not only does she learn to do what's right--i learn that i can trust HER too, because she has never failed to take me back with love and compassion.  this lesson humbles me and keeps me honest.   and it hits both sides of the bullying issue.

believe me, nobody expects you to be on your best behaviour forever.  :)   all you are responsible for is the very next interaction.   you don't have to worry about the one after that, until it becomes the next interaction.  you'll be surprised how quickly the force of habit creates in you an automatic instinct for responding with authentic empathy and affection.

in time, this becomes a foundation on which your child can build unshakable faith in both his own worthiness as a living, breathing human being, and in your unconditional love and support.

and i believe that this foundation is enough to see a child thru just about any of the many challenges of young life, because he will KNOW, in his bones, that whatever it is, he won't have to go it alone.

fun with fans

"i can live for two months on a good compliment."

~mark twain, american author and humorist

ordinarily whenever i post on sunday it is just a quote that has inspired me--a little something to kick off the week--but today i want to send a shout-out to susan s.-d. who i understand has been following this blog for a while.  susan is a friend of my lovely and talented baby sister sabrina, and it gave me a much-needed boost of ego to know that one of her friends enjoys my blog.

susan, leave me a comment or drop me an email and let me get to know you!  i am weird, but i don't bite.  :)

it has been hectic around here but i'll be back in the blogging swing of things again this week.

perspective from the sand

 "after a visit to the beach, it's hard to believe that we live in a material world."

pam shaw, independent national sales director for mary kay, inc.

a truly rich man

"a truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty."

~author unknown

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

parenting lessons from max and ruby

 

whenever the topic of max and ruby comes up, the conversation goes in only two directions:

1. why is ruby so bossy???
2. where are their parents???

there is much clucking and tsk-tsk-tsking about how irresponsible the creator of the cartoon is for not having max and ruby's parents be more present, and about how ruby needs to be put back in line and about how if THEY (the cluckers) were max and ruby's parents they would NEVER put up with those kinds of shenanigans....

but when i see this show, i see a reflection of my own life, and wisdom to guide me to being a better parent.

here are two children solving their problems on their own, not running to their parents to settle every dispute or to fix what is broken, getting along for the most part and not being a bother to anybody. basically, they are modeling the kind of behaviour that most parents i know long for from their own children.

and are their parents really not there?  how do we know they're not just in the next room?  that happens a lot around here, and at ruby's age a kid is often expected/required to spend a lot of time keeping herself and her siblings occupied while the parent on duty folds some laundry, fixes a meal, or makes a phone call.  

ruby never asks max to do anything unsafe, never asks him to do a job that she should be doing, never asks him to do something they've been told not to do. instead, she simply asks him to do what any reasonable adult would ask--don't mess up my stuff.  stay over there and play with this thing while i take care of my responsibilities (see above).  help me finish this job so we can play together.

ruby never raises her voice.  ruby never complains about how much she has to do or how unfair it is that little max doesn't have as much expected of him. and ruby never belittles max for his actions even when they interfere with her fun.  however i have seen and heard grown adults getting very upset about how "bossy" ruby is, seemingly having forgotten that 3-year-old children can often be "a handful" even for their own parents.

meanwhile--has anybody noticed that max always comes to the rescue???  he's the hero of the pair, he's the one that solves the problem or finds the missing object or makes things work out for the best.  so far not one clucker i've spoken with has mentioned this.

as parents we tend to focus on the parts of life that are bothersome--we get worked up about "another" diaper or "another" spill, "another" lost item or "another" interruption.  

but when things go smoothly--when the kids get along and nobody gets hurt and even when one of them takes care of the other without us nagging about it--we tend not to notice because we are distracted by the OTHER stuff.  

whenever i'm distracted by that other stuff, max and ruby put me back on track.  they remind me to not jump to conclusions, because not everything is as it appears.  they help me remember that bigger kids can be helpful, resourceful, and trustworthy.  and they show me that even little kids can take care of business--if we let them.

*what kids' show helps you be a better parent?   

we all stumble

 "remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  that's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."

emily kimbrough, author and lecturer

enjoy it while it lasts

 "childhood is a short season."

helen hayes, actress and author

it IS a race

 
 

but not the one you think it is.

when you first start homeschooling, it is easy to fall into the belief that the goal is to pack as much learning as possible into every single day.  in fact, that is often mentioned by homeschooling parents as a reason they choose to homeschool--they don't want their child to be held back by a teacher or a school system.  this sometimes leads parents to believe that they must conjure up all kinds of learning opportunities, take advantage of the "teachable moments" (lord help me, i detest that phrase).  and thus the journey of homeschooling can resemble a sprint to a finish line, with other children (or often, their parents) as competitors for a prize.

then sooner or later you run into an unexpected obstacle on the race course--it could be that your child shows a sincere and unapologetic disinterest in something you feel is important to study--it could be that you fear you are not up to the task of teaching something you child desperately wishes to learn--it could be that you all come down with the flu and the household falls apart for a couple of weeks.  whatever it is, you come to believe that it isn't a sprint after all, it is a marathon, and that your strategy for winning has to change. depending on your personality and the relationship you have with your child, you might decide you need to buckle down, you might decide you need to lighten up, you might decide you need to work it out together.  whatever you choose, you begin to understand that the prize goes not always to the swiftest, but to those who keep on running.

and then one day, you realize that you aren't racing alone.  your child is right there with you, is your teammate and companion, and has as much interest in going the distance as you do, because ultimately the prize goes not to you, but to her, in the form of dreams undeffered and potential made real.  it is in that moment you realize that this is actually a relay race, one in which you make the start but eventually you have to hand the baton to your child and let her go on without you.  when that happens--when you let go and see that she really does have it firmly in hand--you get to watch with pride and satisfaction, knowing that you gave her a good lead and she will be able to get the rest of the way on her own.

in that moment, you will have your prize.

my little taste of blissdom

this past weekend was the blissdom conference in nashville.  i didn't get to attend but i got to do something almost as good:  i got to meet some of the PBS sprout band of bloggers!

 
photo courtesy of shannan from mommy bits. 

these women turned out to be even cooler in person than i had imagined them to be.  they are intelligent, funny, generous, curious, and i am thrilled to be part of the band of bloggers with them. take a moment to visit their sites and see for yourself.  from left to right:

liza from liza was here and deep south moms, and her adorable daughter 
twitter:  @lizawashere

amy from milk breath and margaritas, a fellow nashvillian
twitter:  @amy2boys

jamie from blonde mom blog, another nashville blogger
twitter:  @blondemomblog

ME!  the luckiest one there because i not only got to meet bloggers, i also got to hold hands with a very cute baby.

shannon from PBS sprout, who organized the breakfast for us and who let me hold hands with said baby.

dwan from mommaDJane 
twitter:  @mommadjane

christy from quirky fusion who generously offered to help me figure out google analytics.  :)
twitter:  @morethanmommy

jen from 4tunate
twitter:  @quatromama

shannanB from mommy bits
twitter:  @shannanB

and jill from the diaper diaries
twitter:  @diaperdiaries

what i learned from my too-short visit with these fantastic women:  i like all of them, and i have a lot to learn about blogging.  :)

ps:  what i heard about the shoes is true.

IT SNOWED! IN NASHVILLE !

 

it's not much but for us it is amazing--we haven't had a snow like this since before the turn of the century! the most recent (and most often-occurring) big weather event here is tornados.  dislike.

this snowfall was a good one--we've already had our first batch of snow ice cream, and we've all been hit by real snowballs.  

this is why everything shuts down here when there are only 4" of snow on the ground:  5,600 miles of roads in davidson county and only 30 pieces of road equipment--that's plows, ice trucks--everything. after all, why have equipment for something that is only going to happen once every decade?  

there is also 1/2" of hard ice under this snow--bad for driving, but great for sledding.

 

this is how southern kids sled--in kiddie pools, because why have a sled when you're only going to get real snow once every decade?

but in the south, when you get your first real snow, your daddy will drag you back and forth in your tiny, urban side yard and be happy for the privilege because each time he'll get to hear this: