my last blog post hit a nerve with some readers (as i expected it would). some understood me to say that children should be allowed to get away with whatever they choose. some thought i meant that children should not be held to any standards of decency or civil behavior.
but read it again. nowhere do i suggest that children--or anybody--be allowed to be rude or disrespectful, or that they be permitted to endanger themselves or others. what i did say, explicitly, is that i believe my child should be allowed and encouraged to think for herself, to learn to exercise her own good judgment--that i do not believe it is good for her, or good for society, for her to take what she is told at face value or to accept as gospel the word of someone who has not made their case.
so—what do i expect in place of obedience?
cooperation.
the difference is just this: obedience says, "do what i say". cooperation says, "work with me on this".
obedience is a top-down relationship. the person having the most power forces the other to bend to his/her will, regardless of purpose or reason. by contrast, cooperation is a relationship of partners. each relies on the other for support and contribution to a shared need or goal.
regular readers of this blog know that ella is a cooperative child. this is partly her nature (and i plan to write about the challenges of this characteristic soon)--but i believe, based on my experiences with other children, that it is also a function of how they are approached. when an adult says to a child, "please do this, because XYZ,", the child learns that his help is needed, and he learns why. a habit of explaining things to children sets them up to expect reasons that make sense, that put things into context.
when one day the child is confronted with the person who says, "i'm in charge, do it my way," without providing any reason for this assumption of power, the child will have been equipped by his previous experience to expect some evidence that what he is being asked to do is reasonable or has value.
in other words--the child learns to think for himself.
adults are sometimes threatened by children who question their authority. in my experience these adults are the ones likely to exert the most effort towards obedience. while i don't judge their reasons for this, i do wonder if this is the best method for achieving the goal.
