before the recent suicides of the many GLTBQ youth, there was phoebe. and before her were eric and dylan. and before them were....
all were bullied. a few turned into bullies too.
today this is called a crisis, but we all know that bullying has been going on since cain and abel.
many people are reaching out--encouraging young people to stay strong, to remain hopeful, letting them know that life isn't always going to be so hard and bleak.
schools and community centers and houses of worship are instituting policies and programs to deal with bullying, both from the perspective of the bully and of the target.
all in the hopes of keeping our children from taking their own lives.
but in my opinion, these actions are not enough. in fact, i believe most of this comes too late.
i believe we have to go back further--back to the beginning. we have to start with the babies.
because when the worst, most horrible thing happens--when your child gets caught doing something illegal, immoral, illicit, indecent, outrageous, or just plain stupid--he has to know with unqualified confidence that if he comes to you for help, he can count of you to be there for him, without judgement and without hesitation. that confidence only comes from a lifetime of experiencing your loyalty, compassion, and respect.
i know you love your child without limits. I KNOW YOU DO. but does your child? LOVE is not just a feeling, it is an action. you have to SHOW it to your child, in words and in deeds, and you have to hold your judgement even when you're right.
you may believe you're showing your love when you reprimand your child. but what your child hears is accusation and judgement.
JUDGEMENT says, "i've told you a hundred times not to jump on the bed.". LOVE says, "i'm sorry you fell off, i know that hurts. thank goodness you're ok.". JUDGEMENT says, "why were you drinking milk in the living room???". LOVE says, "everybody spills sometimes. let me help you clean it up." JUDGEMENT says, "how could you do that???". LOVE says, "it's ok, we'll figure this out together."
because later--when it REALLY matters--you want your child to come to you when he needs you most, and he will only do that if he is certain that what he will hear is, "thank goodness you're ok. let me help you. we'll figure this out together."
i promise, i'm not judging you. :) i have been there, in that frustrated, tired, complicated place where there is no filter, mental or verbal--where anger at the situation and relief that everything is alright are intermixed--where venting happens indirectly, aimed really at the someone else who i perceive has wronged me and yet hurled toward my child because she is there.
when that happens, i consider it my moral obligation to swallow my enormous pride and show her what to do, because one day she'll be there too: i have to SHOW her, by my actions and my words, that being wrong is not the end of it all--that sincere remorse and regret are appropriate, that apologies and restitution are not signs of weakness but rather the characteristics of a mature and responsible member of society. and that life goes on and everything gets better.
the beautiful thing about this system is that not only does she learn to do what's right--i learn that i can trust HER too, because she has never failed to take me back with love and compassion. this lesson humbles me and keeps me honest. and it hits both sides of the bullying issue.
believe me, nobody expects you to be on your best behaviour forever. :) all you are responsible for is the very next interaction. you don't have to worry about the one after that, until it becomes the next interaction. you'll be surprised how quickly the force of habit creates in you an automatic instinct for responding with authentic empathy and affection.
in time, this becomes a foundation on which your child can build unshakable faith in both his own worthiness as a living, breathing human being, and in your unconditional love and support.
and i believe that this foundation is enough to see a child thru just about any of the many challenges of young life, because he will KNOW, in his bones, that whatever it is, he won't have to go it alone.
