tomorrow, i go "back" to work from holiday break. actually, i've been at work, but i've been working at home these past two weeks. tomorrow, i go back to my office on my regular schedule. i'm blessed--ella comes to work with me, and rudi works there too, so our whole family is together much of the day.
but when we're at work, ella is cooped up in my little office, having to play by herself or parked in front of the tv while i make phone calls or take care of business. and bless her dear little heart, she mostly obliges, and she hardly ever complains. but my heart breaks a little every single day, because she really doesn't have that much fun--she often has to stop whatever she is doing so i can take her with me to a meeting or a rehearsal--and she doesn't get out of the room much, entirely too little in fact. makes me feel like a really bad mommy. :(
but these past two weeks have been HEAVEN--we haven't had this kind of time at home since she was born--and she has FLOURISHED! she has laughed more in the past 14 days than she has her whole life.
we have sung songs, and played ball and she could crawl in our laps whenever she felt like it. she could pet her doggies and kitties all day long (or as long as they would put up with it)--she got to "move to the music" on noggin a dozen times a day--and when it was nice out (which wasn't nearly enough), we got to go to the playground and run around in the cool, fresh air, and climb and slide and swing and just be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
and she has started using more words--like "baba!" (bubbles)--and "doda" (dora), and "cacka" (cracker)--plus she now knows where her ears are ("aars!"), where her hair is ("ha!"), where her chin is ("shin!"), where her hands are ("hins!"). she "dings" her own head, just the way have done since she was born. she wakes me up in the morning, poking her little fingers at my face, giggling "eyeees!", and "tees!" (teeth), and she kicks her little legs and squeals "pi! pi! pi!" (piggies--i'll teach her the word "toes", one day, i promise).
i feel silly for even feeling so bad about going back to work. i like my work--and i know that i have a very special situation--for myself, i have it good. but for my baby, i am heartbroken that i have to end this holiday. i wish so much for her--i wish she could just be a baby and do baby things. i wish she could sleep in more, or stay up later so our days wouldn't have to end so soon. i wish she could have lots more long, playful bathtimes when she could splash the whole room and giggle wildy while her daddy plays the happy clown. i wish she could stay in her jammies all day more often. i wish she didn't have to take her naps on my office floor.
and i wish i could chase her around the dining room table whenever she felt like it--i wish i could drop everything and read her a book whenever she asked--i wish we could have
long
silly 
snacks 
wearing 
silly 
felt 
hats 
and empty every drawer more often, and play peek-a-boo all afternoon. i wish we could play so hard every day that she would fall asleep at her daddy's feet more often.
but things are getting hectic again--when i'm doing a show, there isn't much free time, it's spent shopping, and cutting fabric, and fitting singers who care more about what their friends think than they do about whether or not the costume is right for their character. i wish she didn't have to get into the carseat a dozen times a day. i wish we didn't have to shop until she dropped. and i wish there would be no more nights when she will cry all the way home, because it is almost midnight and she is so tired and has been as good as any child can be for longer than any child should have to be. those will be the same nights that i cry myself to sleep too.
i know some moms are going to be mad at me for feeling like this--they don't get to bring their babies with them wherever they go--and they're right to feel mad about that. but i bet their babies get a lot more playtime, and a lot more snacktime, and a lot more naptime, and i just wish a little more of that for my baby too.
its never easy, is it? no matter what we do, no matter what our situation, something always hurts. i guess that's what it's like when your heart toddles around in somebody else's body.
