before ella was born, i had all kinds of ideas about the kind of mama i would be. i was going to put her in a crib to sleep, and i would put her in a playpen while i worked, and i would have bottles of milk stored for her so that rudi could take turns getting up in the night to take care of her while i slept. i had it all figured out, it was going to be a breeze, and i would be a model mother.
then my baby was born. and i learned that i couldn't bear seeing her lying so tiny and alone, crying her heart out, just longing to be held. and i couldn't bear to leave her in a playpen while i turned my back to do other things, because i just knew i was missing her do something magical and miraculous. and i couldn't bear to give up those midnight snuggles, nursing her in the dark and just feeling her little body mold itself to mine.
everybody told me i was being selfish, that i was spoiling my child and that she would never learn to walk, or sleep on her own, or eat solid foods. but deep in my heart i knew they were wrong, i knew one day would come when ella would decide that it was time to get down and she would squirm right out of my lap no matter how hard i tried to hold on.
well guess what--i was right. these days i can't keep up with her, she is like a little bullet shooting around the house, getting away as fast as she can and giggling about it the whole time. and she reaches for food on my plate, taking whatever i let her get and stuffing it in her tiny mouth as fast as she can.
but now, we stand at what most people consider the crucible of baby goodness: sleeping thru the night, in her own crib, in her own room. this time, i'm the one who is spoiled--i lie awake at night, watching my baby sleep so sound and peacefully in my bed, and i look at her daddy asleep beside her, and i am filled to overflowing with the love i have for them both. i know that I don't want to sleep apart from the two people i love the most--and i don't have the heart to make my baby do it either. not yet.
but the time will come soon enough. too soon probably for me. and i expect i'll spend those sleepless nights standing by her crib, watching her sleep, just the way i do now, so that i can feel how much i love her while i'm in the dark and nobody can see me.